The REAL Gothic FAQ

What Is Goth?

Q: What is a goth?
A goth is somebody who listens to gothic music and looks gothic. Gothic music includes old stuff like Alien Sex Fiend, Specimen, Bauhaus, Joy Division, Sisters of Mercy, etc., and new stuff like London After Midnight, The Horatii, etc. There are plenty of places to find lists of gothic music. If you don't know what goths look like, you're really clueless and shouldn't be reading this, but it involves lots of makeup, big hair, and lots of black clothes.

Q: That doesn't sound like the goths that I read about in alt.gothic or on local gothic mailing lists.
That's because almost all of the people who are real goths have probably stopped reading those things. The reason they stopped reading them is because people like you keep asking stupid questions like "What is a goth?". The people who were left on these lists are a unique breed -- more about them later.

Q: I saw a goth and his hair was really big. How did he do that?
In the U.S. we call it teasing, and in the U.K. they call it backcombing. Go ask a Texas housewife how to do it. You also need to buy crimpers. Blow the $20 (L12) -- you really don't have a choice. Tell 'em Andrew sent you.

Q: Do I have to dye my hair?
Unless your hair is already black or white or purple or red, yes you do. We recommend Clairol Natural Instincts, color #36 Midnight, but it's really hard to bleach out (as Lisa learned the hard way.)

Q: That makeup sure looks hard. How did he/she do that?
What, you don't know where eye pencil goes? (Hint: on your lips.) There's only one way to learn to do makeup: practice, practice, practice. And don't go out in public wearing liquid eyeliner until you know what you're doing. And for god's sake, your face isn't a notepad. Stop doodling all over it. You look like an idiot when you do that.

Q: But can't I draw those cute little curly-q's around my eyes?
That depends. Do you wear glasses? If not, the answer is no. If so, the answer is an emphatic no. It looks stupid. The goal is to look good. If you look like you have a skin disease from forty paces, you're not doing it right.

Q: I just got some whiteface!
That's great! Are you going to clown school? I once knew a mime who had a great routine where at the very end he had someone ... oops, sorry, this is about goths. We wear foundation and powder, not whiteface. If you must wear it, blend it at the chin.

Q: I got some black clothes, but people still make fun of me at goth clubs.
One of these days we're going to print up some T-shirts that say, "Just because you're wearing black doesn't mean we like you," and we promise that we'll make fun of you when you ask us where we got them. Are the clothes cool? Or does it look like you went shopping with your mom, and threw away anything that wasn't black? Next time someone makes fun of how you dress, examine their clothes and try to imitate it. Did you look at those album covers like we told you? It's really not all that hard, it just takes some thought and a few trips to the store -- without your mom.

Q: I got this kick-ass brown cape --
Stop right there. The cape is lame, and brown is lamer.

Q: Is it okay to wear a skirt and makeup if I have facial hair?
Actually, that question is not frequently asked. We just wish it were, because we certainly see enough people who should have asked it before they went out and embarrassed themselves. The answer is no, you should not wear a skirt or makeup with facial hair. It looks creepy, like a weird hillbilly drag queen or something.

Q: Now that I've read all your suggestions, what can I do? Can you give me any personal advice?
No, we can not. We are not in the business of giving personal fashion advice. In fact, if you are in need of personal fashion advice, you should not be a goth at all. It is a very intricate and complex look, and requires much time in front of the mirror. It is very important that you be able to make decisions about your own look. You can not depend on other people to tell you how to dress. Also, you can not depend on stores to have a "gothic clothes" section -- buying your wardrobe will probably take many visits to stores you wouldn't expect to shop in. There is often a gem in a store that you wouldn't expect to find anything good in. Building up your wardrobe to something respectable will probably take a long time -- months, or even years. And most importantly, please do not send us e-mail asking us how you should dress. This especially applies to all of those people who seem to want personal, individual advice about how to dress. Please don't send us messages asking for personal advice. We have neither the time nor the interest in making you gothic.

Q: I've listened to all of my goth albums a million times, and hardly anyone puts out any good ones any more. What should I do?
You do know that you're allowed to listen to other kinds of music, right? But not just any music. Here is a list of the approved other sorts of music that you are allowed to listen to: rockabilly, punk, disco, ska, old school rap, and German new wave. "Da da da!"

Q: So what did you think of that new Marilyn Manson album?
I don't know, I listen to gothic music, not top-40 crap.

Q: But what about Nine Inch Nails? They rock!
What, are you going to ask me about Prodigy, too? I told you, I listen to gothic music, and those bands aren't it!

Q: Okay, mister smarty pants, what about Tori Amos?
We just don't understand why goths would listen to Tori Amos. Yuck! She's a whiny little tampon-head. Mrs. Fiend could kick her ass.

Q: So what music should I listen to?
Go to a goth club, wait for a song you like to come on, and ask the DJ what band it is and what album the song is on. Then go and buy the album and listen to it. This isn't rocket science, people!

Q: Do you have any recommendations?
No. There are many web pages dedicated to stuff like that, and we don't feel like adding to them. Besides, we don't think the way to learn about the scene is on the internet.

Q: How do I find out where to go?
Ask a goth. Go to stores that sell gothic music or clothes and look for flyers. Pick up a goth zine and see who advertises nights. If you have trouble with all that, you might try looking in a listings magazine, but they are usually more oriented towards the mainstream crowd.

Q: I'm not old enough to go to any clubs!
Silly, that's why god invented the Fake ID. Also, you can bribe the bouncers with blow jobs or money. Kids have been doing it for years. This isn't brain surgery, people!

Q: I went to a goth club but all I heard were old bad 80s crap-pop like Flock of Seagulls and Erasure. And that Peter Schillig song, boy I really hate that one, you know, the one that goes "4-3-2-1". What's up with that?
Don't ask us. For some reason, a bunch of DJs like to advertise their 80s new wave nights as goth nights, and nobody really seems to care. We say, fuck 'em.

Q: I went to a club and asked the DJ if he had any songs by Bauhaus, especially Bela Lugosi's Dead, and he refused to take my requests for the rest of the night. What happened?
One of two things happened: either he had just played a Bauhaus song, or he played a Bauhaus song you didn't know. That, or he ignored you because you made a stupid request that everyone makes all the time. It might help to request something that fifteen other people haven't already requested.

Q: I went to a club and there were all these social retards wearing fake fangs. What's up with that?
You accidentally went to a "Vampire" club. Remember those kids in junior high school who spent all of their time playing Dungeons and Dragons and never had any friends? Well, they may have grown up but they haven't moved out of mom's basement. They spend all of the money they save by not paying rent on fake fangs and -- you guessed it -- role playing games. Stay away from "vampire" clubs. Most of these people have actually convinced themselves that they are real vampires. They are uniformly pathetic.

Q: But I thought goths liked vampires!
Who told you that? Okay, well, maybe Dave Vanian used to dress up like a vampire, but really, it was funny. He never believed he was a vampire, and more importantly, he was a cool rock star and not a pathetic nerd. Anyway, there are certainly cool and fun vampire things -- good films, books, cute little toys, etc. There is a difference between liking vampire stuff and living a stupid, escapist "vampire lifestyle". If you want to learn more about how to deal with vampires, watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Q: I went to a club and there were all these social retards who were big and fat and ugly and dressed funny, and some of them smelled. What's up with that?
In the last few years, the goth scene has suffered an influx of nerds because everyone but us goths has the balls to tell them to go away. If you go to a punk rock show, you won't see them, because they know they'll get beat up by the punks. Same goes for a ska show, an oi show, etc. But since so many goths are pussies, the nerds haven't been properly flushed back into their place.

Q: I've noticed that the influx of nerds came at the same time as the rise of the internet. What's up with that?
What an astute observation! We have a theory about this. Let's take, for example, the mailing list in our city which will remain nameless. It was run by a wonderful cool person whose first name is Althea (we won't give you her last name). She went out to clubs and asked cool people to join the mailing list in person, and it was fun and cool and wonderful. Unfortunately, there was a stupid fat nerd who was hosting the list on his computer. His first name is Cliff (we won't give you his last name). Cliff decided that a good thing to do would be to put up a web page that advertised the list to anyone who did a web search on "goth" and the name of the city, and let them subscribe automatically. Soon the list was riddled with people who had never been to a goth club in their lives, and knew nothing about the music. The cool people hadn't quite been scared off yet, so they made the mistake of telling the losers where the clubs were, and the losers started going. That's when the clubs started sucking. Unfortunately, the losers all found each other and started calling themselves "net.goths", and decided that a good thing to do would be to go to any event in the city that had "goth" in the name. That's why all the cool people have left the scene and stopped going out. We believe that this has happened in many cities. We've observed it in at least three. It's pretty sad, but what are you going to do? Goths are just pussies, I guess.

Q: I met someone on the internet and he had a cool name and seemed nice enough, but when we met in person he weighed 300 pounds, smelled like a horse, and had a big booger stuck on the side of his neck. What's up with that?
You made the classic mistake of meeting someone on the internet. This used to work a few years ago, because back then when someone claimed to be a goth that usually meant that you were going to meet someone who liked gothic music and wore gothic clothes and had a gothic look. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case. It seems that a whole bunch of internet nerds have decided that a fun thing to do would be to call themselves gothic and try to make friends -- an especially exciting idea to them because they never really had any before. It's pretty insidious when you think about it, because once you've been "introduced" to this person online, it's much more uncomfortable to snub the little twit like the annoying pimple he is. This is especially bad because most of these people are socially backwards, and don't really know how to interact with others. They'll do things like stand there and stare at you and follow you around and listen to your conversations, but they generally won't say anything.

Q: I dress all freeky, but my mom says it's just a phase. Why doesn't she get it?
First of all, show your mom a little respect. Do you know how much it costs to raise a kid? Your parents would probably be able to retire by now if they hadn't had you. They gave up an awful lot to have you, and while we think that's a pretty stupid decision on their part, we would at least hope that you could not make them uncomfortable in their own home. A lot of people are going to tell you to wait until you're older, because you'll understand then. This is secret code for "right now your top priority is pissing off your parents. Later on in life, you'll learn that your parents' opinions don't really have much influence on your life, and you'll be less concerned with irritating them and more concerned with making yourself happy." They're assuming that you're doing what you're doing simply because your parents don't like it. Is it true? We can't tell for sure, but we sure wouldn't be surprised.

Q: I sure resent what you say about Marilyn Manson. What do you have against him?
His music is crappy, his propaganda is crappy, but most of all his fans are crappy, and generally embarrassing to goths everywhere. We'd really appreciate it if they'd stop calling themselves "gothic" and stop hanging out at goth clubs so we could stop thinking about them.

Q: Is it cool to dress up like a "normal person" for Halloween?"
Sure it's cool! Well, it is if you're a fourteen-year-old suburban Marilyn Manson fan on Jenny Jones. The rest of us think it's retarded and played out.

Q: What is Absinthe, and where can I get some?
Absinthe is a liquor that was outlawed in the U.S. in the beginning of the 20th century by the abolitionists because it contained a small amount of wormwood extract. While wormwood contains a psychedelic drug, absinthe has so little of it that you'd die of alcohol poisoning before feeling any of the psychedelic effects. The mere fact that it's been outlawed makes a certain kind of nerdy person feel "bad-ass" when she talks about drinking it. (We've been told that some of these people even sing songs about the stuff. We think that's pretty sad.) When this kind of person is enamored enough with the stuff, she might try to make it herself. What she usually ends up with is a foul-smelling jug of cheap vodka with some wormwood splinters floating in it.

Q: What about Chartreuse? I heard it was really cool.
No, you didn't "hear" it, because you don't have any friends to talk to. You just read about it in a Poppy Z. Brite book.

Q: Okay, then, what is it?
It's a liquor made by some monks in France. It's got about two thousand herbs in it, and they guard the recipe closely and only about three of the monks know how to make it. (Lisa's dad took a tour of the monastery when he was in the area. That's how bad-ass it is.) Oh, yes, and it tastes like Ricola cough drops, except really alcoholic and nasty, in Lisa's opinion. There are some people who like it, but we suspect that they don't really like it, they're just pretending to like it because everybody else likes it and it's so gothic. Which brings us back to that mediocre book by Poppy Z. Brite, which you've clearly read too many times.

Q: So what can I drink?
There are lots of good drinks! Goths always drink lots of vodka and cranberry juice. Also, drink red wine, or beer, or cider. Or you can get fizzy girl drinks, because if you're a real goth you're probably a pussy anyway. We recommend anything with lots of umbrellas in it. Or if you're British you can drink snakebite and black, but don't drink too much because if you're British you can't hold your liquor anyway.

Q: Hey! What do you have against Brits?
Nothing! We like Brits very much. They're much better than Americans and always have excellent hair and fashion sense. They just can't hold their liquor. Seriously, I mean, the pubs all close at 11pm. That, and they only drink beer because you can't actually get a decent mixed drink anywhere on the whole damn isle. But they almost always have cider on tap, so you have to give them points for that. Plus, they invented everything cool, like punk, goth, and snakebite and black.

Q: So what do you have against net.goths, anyway?
It's not that everyone who has e-mail is a nerd. I mean, hell, this FAQ is on the internet, right? The problem is that there is a specific group of people who have championed the cause of the "online community" of people who "gather" in newsgroups and mailing lists and have coopted the name "gothic". This offends us. Many of these people are just lonely and looking for a group of friends. Don't feel bad for them, they're lonely because they're losers. We wouldn't mind it when they joined goth mailing lists and newsgroups if they actually knew something about goth, but they don't, they're just losers who were kicked out of everything else. If your blood pressure has gone up since you started reading this FAQ, you're probably one of these people. I hope you die of head cancer.

Q: You sure use the word "loser" a lot. Do you maybe have some issues?
Who are you, my fucking therapist? If you are, get off the internet and earn your damn $150/hr you leech.

Q: Did you see the episode of South Park with Robert Smith on it?
Yes!!! That was totally awesome, and he kicked Barbara Streisand's ass all over the place. Yay, Robert Smith!

Q: For people who supposedly shun the mainstream, you certainly seem to know a lot about South Park and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Who said we shun the mainstream? We're the ones who told you to go listen to disco! People shouldn't think so much about what's "mainstream" and what's "underground", because it's all a bunch of marketing hype anyway. You're a demographic, get used to it. If you like gothic music, fine. Be a goth. But don't do it because you want to be all cool and underground and subculture-ish.

Q: I am drawn to the darker, morbid side of life. Am I a goth?
No, you are not a goth. You are probably what happens when that kid in fifth grade who would eat bugs for a quarter grows up. The reason you are depressed is probably because you have no friends. You've probably convinced yourself that being drawn to the "darker" or "morbid" side of life is evidence of your depth. Don't be fooled, it's just your sad attempt to find someone to hang out with. Our advice to you is to stop trying to be so dark. Most people are turned off by someone who's depressed. If you are actively trying to come off as depressed, people who might have been your friends will think that you're unpleasant to be with. Think about it: would you rather hang out with someone who is happy or someone who is always complaining about how depressed they are? Do everyone a favor and stop whining. Making friends is not that hard.

Q: So am I allowed to call myself a goth yet?
Not if you still feel the need to ask someone else that question. Grow some balls and decide for yourself.