the official alt.spleen
FAQ
- Frequently Asked Questions -
by Andrew Stellman
(roo@razorwire.com)

version 5.8
last modified 8/17/98


NOTE: PLEASE DO NOT SEND ANY MAIL TO ME REQUESTING MEDICAL ADVICE! I AM NOT A DOCTOR, AND WILL NOT GIVE YOU ANY USEFUL INFORMATION.

Part III. Spleen trivia


Q: Who created alt.spleen, and why?

The newsgroup was created by Spamg*d (cshort@crl.nmsu.edu), in a fit of divine enlightment. We will never know exactly what went through his mind at the time, but some speculate that it had to do with cod liver oil and mattresses. The Original Message follows: 


     From: cshort@nmsu.edu (Spmg*d, Lord of Potted Meat Product)
     Subject: newgroup alt.spleen
     Date: 17 Jul 92 00:28:34 GMT
      
     Discussion of alternative body functions
     --
      
      /---------------------------\                                        |S 
     / |don't fear the hippie    |  \_______________________________       |P
     \ |he's got mind control -dm|  /     spamgod is: cshort@crl.nmsu.edu  |L
      \--------|------------------/                                        |E     
              P|   i was driving at the speed of light and turned on my    |E
              E|   headlights, the light piled up on my windshield like    |N 
              A|   wet toilet paper.                         /-------------|-----\
              C|                        --------------------< |Yak Cheese Abuser| >
              E|                                             \-------------------/

You can contact Spamgod at spamgod@acca.nmsu.edu, or check out his home page: <http://www.warped.com/~spamgod>


Q: Who has the most spleens?

Clearly, Lisa has more spleens than anyone else. All of her major body organs are spleens. All of her minor body organs are spleens. It has been postulated that the number of spleens in Lisa's body is proportional to her greatness and wonderfulness, so that number has to be pretty big. It has been rumored that Geoff replaced all of Lisa's body parts with spleens, but he has yet to confirm or deny the rumor.


Q: Who is Geoff?

Ask Faisal.


Q: What is trephination?

Brain specialist and all-around smart guy Eli the Bearded (eli@netusa.net) writes:

"Trephination is -- as I recall -- is use of a circular blade [similar to a core drill] to cut a hole in the skull ...Usual reasons for trephination are crude brain surgery/implants, substitute for illegal mind-altering drugs, as documented in somebody's home movie of self-trephination. Go ask about it on rec.arts.bodyart."


Q: Does trephination hurt your spleen?

Yes, it does. Generally, mental functions can be split into two groups: very important ones, and less important ones. The brain takes care of the less important mental functions, leaving the spleen free to carry out the much more important ones. Often, after trephination, less important mental functions that were carried out by the brain must now taken over by the spleen, interfering with its usual load of important functions, which can cause premature burnout and severe buildup (see above).


Q: So why all this mention of Spam? Where does it come from?

Researcher Wintermute (astuart@netcom.com) writes:

"The whole reaso trephination was invented was to make squicking easier. While crude brain-surgery, and altering one's mind are noble pastimes, don't forget why Trephination was invented. Can you imagine what squickers did before the invention of drills? It must have been hell trying to slowly whittle away at or hammer a hole in the skull of their partner.

"Now as everyone knows, spam was invented as a substitute for brain matter. Only real brains will do for a good squicking, but sometimes a squicking-addict finds himself in a location where no brains are readily available (a college frathouse for example). For this reason, spam was invented. In fact, the original development name for the product we all know as spam was, 'I Can't Believe It's Not Cranial Tissue'. Try it sometime. Drill a hole in a large tin of spam and pork (heh) till your heart's content."


Q: What is "boogaloo", and what does it have to do with Margaret Thatcher?

M. R. Austin (M.R.Austin@bradford.ac.uk) seems to have hit on the answer:

"I have discovered why Margaret Thatcher fell from power. She had a spleenectomy in 1991. AND she didn't use the sacred word of Spleenage, that I shall impart to you spleen lovers. Say this often to help your spleen. 'Boogaloo!'"


Q: Has your mother really read this FAQ?

Yes, she has. She really liked the letter in Appendix A. It just goes to show you, all the crap that you post on the Internet really does come back to you. I just feel bad for all those people who post on groups like alt.sex.beer-bottles when their moms figure out how to use Deja-News.

No, scratch that, I don't feel bad for them.


Q: Did Andy Warhol really lose his spleen?

Yes, he did, and many attribute the downfall of pop art and the rise of conceptual art to this very incident. Valerie Solanis popped off a few rounds into Andy, inspiring the movie, "I Shot Andy Warhol," which features one of Lisa's old coworkers, Craig, playing a gay guy.

Gerard Malanga has this to say:

"It was bad. He almost did die. His pulse was so low that he was pretty much pronounced clinically dead. There was at least two, maybe three bullets. He lost his spleen. He lost part of a lung or a liver. For a year he had to wear a corset to keep his intesties in place."

(from McNeil & McCain, 1996)


Q: What did Ricky say when Lucy came home with an extra spleen?

"LU-U-U-UCY! You got a lott SPLEENIN' to do!"

(complaints to tortess@panix.com, who posted the joke)


Q: So, who died and made Keith "God of the newsgroup?"

Last time I checked it was Sony Bono. Here's the appropriate passage:

"And the skies darkened and did worms and frogs and small pink drink umbrellas with flamingos painted on them fall from the heavens; and verily did the sidewalks rumble and television shows were preempted for no good reason at all but to show some gimpy septuplets; this would be the first sign. And in Aspen one ex-variety-show host turned politician ate it big time on the slopes, and lo, Keith was named holy patriarch of the newsgroup. Amen."

Cher 11:14


Q: I've heard rumors of a secret spleen club. Are these rumors true?

Yes. There have been a very few passing references to the secretive group called "Up With Spleens". Keith, the noted subculture researcher and spleen know-all, had this to say:

"... you never see anyone talk about the spleen. Only in secret meetings of the Up with Spleens group, does anyone ever mention this organ. We need to be more conscious of our spleens or one day they will revolt and leave their jobs."

Clearly the development of public forums like alt.spleen is a new and radical idea, a way to get the public to recognize the wondrousness and importance of the greatest of internal organs.


Q: Why would anyone want a girlfriend WITHOUT a spleen?

Again, brain specialist Elijah the Bearded has this to say:

"Having an SO without a spleen means you can clone your own spleen in the cavity from the other's splenectomy. This is a kinky perversion popular with graduates from Townshend Harris High School (in NYC). The idea apparent extends from a desire to have complete spleen compatability. With this lovers can exchange spleens as loving momentos during times of separation.

It is of course possible to exchange spleens without having this full compatibilty, but then there is an adjustment period both parties must go through until each become acquainted with the new organ. This is preferred in some S&M relationships.

Even if spleens will not be exchanged while the lovers are apart, some still like the idea of a loved one living off part of themselves, as happens with the spleen cloning."

He notes, however, that research in this area remains to be done, specifically liver-transplant style versus spleen culturing.


Q: Lately my spleen has been ordering pizzas and expects me to pay. Surely this is unfair as I have been a good host. Furthermore, how could my spleen be using the phone?

Spleens are incredible organs, but they have a lot of difficulty using the phone without letting their hosts know. There's a telltale "squish" sound when they dial. That's always a dead giveaway.

B. P. Smith (B.P.Smith@bradford.ac.uk) offers the following explanation:

"Probably the pizza delivery guy has a spleen for a brain and this has created an empathic link to your spleen which gives these crazes for pizza consumption. So the best way to stop it is either to have a splenectomy (unthinkable) or to shoot the pizza guy in the head. Reach for the revolver I say."


Q: Who is the patron Young One of alt.spleen?

It's Rik, but only because Alexi Sayle was disqualified due to a pre-existing stomach ulcer. Now shove off, hippy!


Q: What's all this "ob" stuff?

At one point, I posted the following speculation about the mysterious group of ob-English posters:

"i think maybe we're getting them all wrong. the might be a cult of ancient Spleen-worshipping druids. i seem to remember a sect that talked on OB-fuscated speech, and spoke entirely in lies. so when they say something like 'pobay nobo hobeed tobo thobe obalt.splobeen FOBAQ', that translates roughly to 'oh, exalted alt.spleen FAQ, we hold you in the highest esteem and worship at your very characters!'"

Since then, I have done further research into this sect. It seems that these ancient Druids have been worshipping the spleen longer than most religions have existed, and we should pay heed and give reverence to these most ancient people. Their love of the spleen is great, even if it is hard to read their posts.


Q: Is there a zine called SPLEEN?

Yes-sir-ee-bob! SPLEEN, which this FAQ maintainer found out about on alt.spleen, is a terribly funny little zine. The first issue had us rolling on the floor. It's not well advertised, however, so if you want information you probably should send mail to SPLEEN's creator, Dave Gulow (guhlowd@nevada.edu). Or you can write to him at:

This FAQ gives SPLEEN four thumbs up. Definitely worth the time it takes to read. Oh, and here's the zine creator's warning:

"Portions of SPLEEN could be considered offensive to some, tasteless to others, pointless to most everyone."

Make sure you check out the alt.spleen FAQ home page! <http://anon.razorwire.com/alt.spleen.FAQ> Do you have any questions, comments or additions? I'd like your input! Contact me (roo@razorwire.com), and I'll be happy to help you in any way that I can. Please do not send me medical questions, though, since I am not a doctor and have no medical knowledge. Have a splendid day!