the official alt.spleen
FAQ
- Frequently Asked Questions -
by Andrew Stellman
(roo@razorwire.com)

version 5.8
last modified 8/17/98


NOTE: PLEASE DO NOT SEND ANY MAIL TO ME REQUESTING MEDICAL ADVICE! I AM NOT A DOCTOR, AND WILL NOT GIVE YOU ANY USEFUL INFORMATION.

Part II. General Spleen Tips


Q: Has there ever been a case of accidental rupturing of the spleen?

Yes. Artist Matt Egan (me1f@andrew.cmu.edu) once related a story told to him by a relative, about somebody who contracted mononucleosis, tripped, fell against a coffee table, ruptured his spleen, and died. The actual cause of death was severe depression at the realization that he ruptured his spleen.


Q: How can I keep my spleen clean?

Noted spleen researcher David Calvin (calvid@nason105.its.rpi.edu) finds that Pledge is the only way to remove waxy Spam buildup. However, for everyday cleaning, Windex or soap and water, plus a rubdown with a paper towel or a lint-free cloth, should suffice. Never tumble dry your spleens, they bruise easily when exposed to heat.

David Calvin notes that Pledge and Spam are important elements to a happy spleen, and should not be ignored. If you want your spleen to be happy in the long run, treat it to a meal of Spam (or Vegimite for vegetarian spleens -- see below for more about vegetarian alternatives), followed by a brisk Pledge rubdown, at least once a year. This will greatly improve a spleen's attitude and outlook.


Q: What about nutrition?

As mentioned before, spam and haggis are important for spleens, and are high in nutrients required by the spleen. The spleen requires stomach-like and liver-like material, which is found in haggis (made from the innards of labs) and spam (made from rats and chickens and insects, all of which taste like stomach to a spleen). Also, striated meat (like USDA Grade C [spoiled] beef, shreded) is good spleen food.

Additionally, according to internist Dr. Jozxyqk (jozxyqk@aol.com), high-cellulose foods are beneficial:

"The consumption of copious amounts of LARD each and every day has been proven to significantly benefit your spleen. Honest."


Q: What about vegetarian alternatives?

Norm (lingres7@matai.vuw.ac.nz) suggests chocolate as a viable Spam alternative. This is especially good for vegetarians, since, although nobody is sure if there is meat in Spam or not, we have a pretty good idea that at least two chickens are sacrificed to Azaroth for each can of Spam produced.

According to nutritionist Erik MacHnicki (machnick@aludra.usc.edu), potatoes are a great source of nutrition. Erik writes:

"I recently read a book called THE GREAT POTATO BOOK. It was a fascinating book which discussed the various uses and the importance of America's favorite vegetable. One of the main topics of the book was the nutritional value of the potato. It seems that the potato contains all the nutrients that the human body ever needs. TRULY AMAZING!

Now, it seems to me that if the potato contains all the nutrients necessary for the human body, it must be a highly valuable vegetable to the spleen. We all know that the spleen requires special care and that nutrition is a major factor in the happiness of your spleen. For this reason, I would suggest including an ample supply of potatoes in your daily diet to supplement the spam."


Q: Can I splendify my spleen by adding aluminum siding?

Rob Piltz (rrp@cs.arizona.edu) has this to say:

"While aluminum siding requires little maintenance after it has been installed, I still prefer the look of natural cedar shake siding. It may be more work, but I think that overall you will be pleased with it, you can stain it any color you like. Plus, your spleen will like it better. Natural wood feels more comfortable to your spleen than hard, cold aluminum. A comfortable spleen is a happy spleen."

It has been noted that aluminum siding chafes spleens. Dave Calvin notes that WD-40 reduces chafing, but reminds us that spleens don't like the taste of WD-40, which could result in a decrease in performance.


Q: If your spleen accidentally OD's what is the proper dosage of adrenaline to administer in the emergency injection?

In general, .20 cc's of adrenaline for every ten grams of spleen. For example, if your spleen weighs 150 grams, you should administer a 3 cc injection. The injection should be administered with a four-inch needle. Remember, you have to come down in one quick motion into the center of the spleen, so as to penetrate the tough exterior muscular wall. Note that we are talking about dry weight, not post-meal weight. (See above section on spleens changing sizes.)


DISCLAIMER: Previously, an incorrect dosage was described above. Thanks to Jen (103471.3353@compuserve.com) for pointing it out. The FAQ maintainer takes no responsibility for overdoses or cases of adrenalyne shock.


Q: What is the estimated time that the spleen can remain unconsious before permenant damage is inevitable?

Due to the fact that so many of the higher functions of the body are carried out by the spleen, the entire nervous system will go into shock if the spleen is unconscious for more then ten minutes. The spleen itself will remain relatively unharmed, since it is mostly self-contained. However, without its host body, it will not get the sustenance required to maintain such a high amount of mental activity and, as a result, will die in days.


Q: Upon recovery, which overpriced movie house confectionry would be best to feed it?

Spleens generally prefer Twizzlers, due to the elongated shape and twisty patterns. However, some spleens are chocoholics, and should be given large packages of Sno-Caps and large drinks. Do not feed your spleen popcorn when it is in this delicate state, because the kernels get lodged in its teeth and the frustration can send it into shock.


Q: What happens when you swallow phlegm? Why would a spleen care?

Advanced spleen researcher Christian Wedge (cw4g+@andrew.cmu.edu) has done a good deal of quality background research on phlegm. Here are the preliminary results of his recent study:

"That wonderful stuff in the back of my throat doesn't go through my digestive system, it all goes to my spleen! After noticing this, I questioned my spleen about it, it just said 'It's really neat stuff, so spleeny, I love it!' I asked a little further and found out that my spleen likes to bathe in it. I conducted a survey of 500 random spleens and found that 99 out of 100 spleens prefer a phlegm rubdown to pledge. Phlegm doesn't exactly _remove_ the waxy spam buildup, but rather, it enhances it to create a lovely protective second skin that acts like a nice t-shirt. The use of phlegm also works great to prevent chafing of the spleen because - well it should be obvious why - phlegm is a mucus, and one of the things mucus's do is prevent chafing. Phlegm is special, though, because it's consistency is so compatible with both the spleen and spam.

"I'm not sure how my spleen found out how great phlegm is, but I've always suspected that my spleen is smarter than the average spleen - it's always been rather clever. I don't know how, but my spleen created a tube leading from itself to my esophagus, where there is a special membrane that draws the phlegm into the tube. My studies show that not just my spleen is partial to phlegm, but in fact the vast majority of spleen like it. My spleen may have been just lucky or something, I don't know, but never the less, this vital information has been discovered and all who care about their spleen can now treat it to something new and exciting."


Q: Is there such thing as a "second spleen"? Do some people have more than one spleen? Can this "second spleen" be donated?

Record-breaking track star, total genius, and spleen expert Tom Whelan (twhelan3@iadfw.net) has this response:

"Actually, a 'second Spleen' is incorrect. Some folks have what is called in the medical domain as an 'accessory' Spleen. This is usually a lobulation connected to the primary in some fashion. It may be fed by a secondary branch of the splenic artery, arising, usually from the celiac axis. Before a person can donate the accessory spleen, it should be noted that this involves major surgery (not to be taken lightly by the faint-of-heart-) and should only be an endeavour involving a person who is an experienced donor. If that person decides to donate the accessory spleen, Have the donor get real sick first...ie get an infection. This will usually cause the Spleen to get very large, thus making it easier to work on, and result in a larger specimen for the collection. I hope you find your donor at a reasonable cost. Consider trading an anatomically neglected portion of your anatomy with the donor...:)"


Q: Does giving blood have any adverse effects on the spleen?

Contrat lawyer Brian Neal (bneal@sdcc13.ucsd.edu) has some information on this. It turns out that the spleen has some contractual obligation with the rest of the body:

"I just exercised my spleen today! Actually, i only gave blood. But I've heard that the spleen contracts to share some more of its blood with the body, when one loses blood..."

This is as yet untested in the courts.


Q: Why do squirrels seem so interested in me?

The great Remy (remy@holly.colostate.edu) has this to say:

"it is a little known secret (kinda redundent i suppose) that a squirrels favorite food is the spleen.. an ancient tribe of warriors, the spleetzi's, discovered this and practiced the torture i talked about.. they found that if they shoved the rodent into the anus of a person, it would make its way to the spleen - eating through the wall of the intestine. this usually caused much pain to the recipient and simple delighted the spleetzi's. so, in conclusion, i would recommend to those people who are outnumbered by squirrels to not, under any cicrumstances, let squirrels smell your spleen.."

Sage advice from a very wise man.


Q: How do you get rid of a spleen?

Ah, one of the Great Questions of Our Time. Here's the best solution that has been proposed to date:

"...just bring it out to your local forest preserve which is overpopulated with squirrels. Then say the following word: 'spleetzi' At this point drop the spleen (WARNING: do not bend over to set it down, just drop the damn thing) and then run like hell. Hopefully your car isn't far away, so you can jump in (Check the seat first before sitting down) and speed off. Within ten seconds, the location you were just at will be overrun with squirrles. They'll devour the spleen you left, leaving no trace of it. One more thing: If anybody asks, you did NOT hear this from me."

If you are going to take this advice, please keep in mind that we absolutely, postitvely did *not* hear it from Keith McGrath (ktmcgrat@uiuc.edu).


Q: When I die, should I convert my spleen to binary and post it to alt.spleen?

No. The Philosopher from Hell (tpfh@io.com) says:

"Nobel sentiment, but please don't post it to alt.spleen, this is not a binary newsfroup. You should post it to alt.binaries.spleen."


Make sure you check out the alt.spleen FAQ home page! <http://anon.razorwire.com/alt.spleen.FAQ> Do you have any questions, comments or additions? I'd like your input! Contact me (roo@razorwire.com), and I'll be happy to help you in any way that I can. Please do not send me medical questions, though, since I am not a doctor and have no medical knowledge. Have a splendid day!